MY FAVORITE JOKES!

A man escapes from prison, breaks into a house, and finds a couple sleeping. He orders the husband out of bed at knife point and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, he kisses her neck for a minute. Then the criminal gets up and goes to the bathroom.
The husband hurriedly leans over and whispers to his wife. "This guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist --- just do whatever he tells you, and with any luck we'll make it out alive. Stay strong honey I love you."
"Oh, he wasn't kissing my neck, "his wife whisperes back. " He was talking in my ear. He told me he thought you were really cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. i told him under the sink. Stay strong honey. I love you too."





A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him, "You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one that made him.
So the zebra asked God, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?"
God answered, "You are what you are."
The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him, "Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes..."
"What was the answer," St. Peter asked.
"Well I still don't know. All He said was: 'You are what you are.'
"Well that answers it," Said St. Peter. "You're a white horse with black stripes."
"How do you know that?" asked the zebra.
"Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: 'You is what you is."

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “I've never been so insulted in all my life!”
The man says: “You know you should right up there and give him a piece of your mind. Here, I'll hold your monkey."


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Here's a redneck one...

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”

15 students raise their hands.

“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

Three students raise their hands.

“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished.

He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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I recall my first time with a condom....I was 16 or so. I went in to
buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter and, she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, "No."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out, and slipped over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused so, she looked all around the store.
It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse, and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was SO dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties, and laid down on a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could
no longer hold back and..........POW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "They're not spiders, sweetheart, they're called Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."